Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Petrichor

 /ˈpɛtrɨkɔər/
 is the scent of rain on dry earth, or the scent of dust after rain


I have always wanted my writings to reflect my emotions. I have always tried in my expressions not to reflect my personal self but to give a shape to these emotions. Even if they form the inner self of the person in me I have always felt detached to them. I have never cried in situations I had to, never smiled in many of other occasions and it continues. How else could those happen if I 'were' not detached from these emotions. So this post is also about such a feeling to which I am detached but what subsided to me recently. Its like a 'PETRICHOR', the scent of dry earth which evolves around you while the first drops of water hits the earth as blessings from sky while the hot summer is at its peak. The highlight of this is, They only happen once in a year; that too for a short while and repeats every year. In my case this has now happened only once and I hope it wont next time. To state the fact... I don't want it to repeat. If so; am succumbing to the fight with the new me and old me.

When rain hits the earth, the dust particles rise from the floor. They spread to the atmosphere. The dust particles are just like the dust accumulated on our thoughts. When they rise themselves from the stacked or put away memories; they dance in the air bringing in old memories in form of visuals; right in front of my eyes. These memories are always mixed. They are either good or bad but they always have a tickling sensation among thoughts ;). Good side of the coin is that Summer rains come in summer; like how it is exactly meant to be to quench the suffering coz of the heat at least for sometime. So is also the emotion. It comes in the time when it is exactly supposed to. It came to me when I was getting deeply troubled in my mind regarding all things happening around me. It helped me relax and take out the stress from my life.

Last but not least. Before settling in to the depth; this emotion was completely gone from my mind. Just again like the summer rain. This is why I found this metaphor to relate the emotion too. No, If I say so it will be too much of cliched connection. I would say... This emotion is called Petrichor and I hope it never comes back like the summer rain every year. :). I don't want to relive the past even though it is relaxing.

Regards,
Siv

Monday, June 3, 2013

Act

A moment of confession is always dramatic. When you confess more than actually you should have; it is over dramatic. A random thought just grazed my mind especially after the reason turn of events. This got into me when I tried to see things as a third person after all this has happened. Moments of confession can be actually life turning. It will question a person whether he is actually the person whom he knows him to be. Was everything an act? With parents, friends, your lover & everything? The most funniest question which arises in mind is whether the act which you put out to the world (or may be still putting); is it just confined to the world? Or is it... is it... Better to put it this way. Are you acting to yourselves? :)

Regards,
Siv

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Sunshine in my soul

Past one month has been equivalent to cleansing my soul. I took out a huge slice of my soul away ruthlessly cutting through my flesh and veins, oozing out the blood; just because I understood that it was slowly becoming a cancer which had to be dealt with immediately. So I did it, the other part of mine didn't obstruct my decision to do it.

Life from ever since has become beautiful. I went out to the world and shed out all the energy focusing on one thing; my love and life - My works. Results were outstanding and better. I loved it. I spend more time with myself; analyzing my good and bad. Analyzing what I did with my life, what I am doing and what I am going to do. Analyzing all the people around me whom I couldn't give much attention as i was diverted to wrong person in the past. I knew I was on the way of becoming the actual me but one thing kept me away from becoming the true person inside me. Those were all those dark secrets in my mind which I had even hidden from the person with whom I had to share it in my life.

Then it began all over again in one day but in a new leaf in the booklet of life. Yes I can say it as 'Life Happened'. I met a new person with whom i became very close, very fast. We spoke, spent time together, opened our ideals, thoughts and beliefs; weighed them against each others equations. Then came the moment when we both felt that this can really work out. I could see the bunch of positivities in the person. Thus I said all the darks secrets of mine and made sure thoroughly that i had nothing else remaining in my life to say or express. Yes! It was wonderful. On a fine monday morning while the rays of the just rising sun and the chillness of the foregone night from the waves of the sea were cuddling both of us from top and bottom respectively; we opened up our hearts. We spoke. Made our minds tie up to the feelings which we both were finding hard to keep hidden. Thus life became beautiful all of a sudden. I felt myself reinvented. I felt myself like that because i flushed out the all the thoughts of my life which I had never shared with anyone - yes! my dark and grey secrets. They were wonderful. At that moment I realized that there was some light falling on my soul. I searched for the source of the light and couldn't find it. Thus I closed my eyes and searched for it in my cache memory. Then I figured it out, I saw this. I was standing alone in the beach during the sunrise with the eyes glued to the golden clouds. They were beautiful. I loved them. Then i saw the reason for the change in me. The waves which hit us during the time were actually caressing my ailing heart and the love you showed to me was the sun's light shattering through the clouds; getting to me resulting in the 'Sunshine in my soul'.

Epilogue: I doubt whether I will spoil this too; because I am already on the verge of it.

Regards,
Siv


NB: This post will be different from my regular posts in this blog. Usually what I do is I define my feelings through a single word and then build on it. Unfortunately the emotion which is coming to me right now is highly complicated, so I couldn't find a single word to define it. So here it goes, I have named it - Sunshine in my soul.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Fragility

|ˈfrajəl; -ˌjīl|
flimsy or insubstantialeasily destroyed

The way through which this idea of writing the post came to me was fun. Thanks to one of the persons who recently commented in my last post which made me understand that lack of perspective makes a person look like a fool when coming to giving advice ( Especially while you are trying to hurt the listener through your advice. ). Any ways his advice was nice, made me understand new aspects of interpersonal relationships. Thanks to him for that. 

The fragility to which I am referring here is to relationships between people. Let me explain it from the perspective of my advisor. According to him there is a 'Dominator' and a 'Follower' in every relationship. This even gets fixed at the first moment itself and please note that it can never be changed or else it leads to ego clashes. (God! I never thoughts humans were like creeper plants.) This shows us that this man (who called me way too young by all means to have a relationship) has only experienced fragile relationships in life. A fragile relationship will go forward for a longer time when the so called 'Follower' makes himself/herself ready to take all pain to take it forward. The 'Dominator' will enjoy. This man might never have become a 'Follower' in his life. Everywhere he might have been just the 'Dominator'. Its sure that he is approaching a collapsing point in his life. 

Now whats the point in having a fragile relationship when at one point you feel yourself to be pointless and the 'Dominator' forgets when, where and at what time his/her partner needs the space. Just like that when this 'Follower' takes the time off; the relationship collapses. Is this what humans expect out of each other. This exactly shows how less understanding or purposefully selfish the 'Dominator' is in life. 

It should be understood that there is no permanent 'Dominator' & 'Follower' in relationships. It should switch. It has to switch & holding on to inferences from some common experience always end up in stupid approach towards life. If a guy says it he is a male chauvinist. On the other hand if a woman says it she becomes a feminist. Oh! I forgot, my friend told that they can be 'misinterpreted' as Male chauvinist or feminists. I do not think so.

Regards,
Siv

Personal Note to Mr.Binu,
Kindly note that I have taken your comments constructively. After reading your comment once I felt it was really good. When I sat back and thought I understood that it is just another essay on escapism and an epitome of how not to approach a relationship. As I am very 'young', I might only be possible to give you a good explanation on how to approach a relationship after a few years. I cannot give it right now because... because you know what happened was a 'mistake' like in my last post. Thanks for shedding some light on my insights about relationships & for spending your time to reply.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

issue |ˈi sh oō|

/ an important topic or problem for debate or discussion / | the issue of global warming money is not an issue |
I just finished reading Chetan Bhagat's 'What young India wants'. The book is really thought instigating. When I just sat on my train seat, my thoughts began to question myself with the same pace I was traveling. I felt that above corruption/poverty/castism (The most discussed & expressed issues) we have to seriously consider another factor. It is the a expressed issue which we have to immediately deal with, or the immense power of the youth in our country will soon be channelized in a way against the national interests. I never knew such an issue existed unless I had to deal with it. To state a fact, I am still dealing with it.

The Incident

I am a film maker. I just know how to tell stories through visuals. I have directed around 10 films and edited over 30 in my 10 year long career. The game became more serious when I stepped out of the canvas to a broader spectrum. Enthusiastically I tried to bring one of the feature film scripts to life. All doors were closed, even to hear my script. The top 3 best reasons which I got were:-
  1.    No family background (Irrespective of film Industry)
  2.    I do not have a good financial background (They prefer money to script. These people never understand that screenplay is more important.)
  3.    My ideas on film making & implementing new marketing techniques in malayalam film industry WILL NOT WORK OUT. (???) [Considering the gentlemen who said the both, did not hear any of these from me. Looking at my face, they decided it wont work. GREAT]

My Point

The suppression of  India's youth energy by putting a cozy image of a worst, otherwise clogged system should end in all field of work. This is very important for the future of our nation. I am not writing this because I did not get an investor for my project, my premise leans towards the wastage of immense youth potential. We should recognize that it is the most powerful energy & learn how to deal with it. We should reshape our system in such a way that the people with the actual & true potential should get the actual chance. It should into be provided based on family heritage, financial background or any such reason. The first step is to accept ourselves that we are the reason for such a situation. We have only learned to wave our heads to the whims and fancy of other. It should stop or else the infection around us will tend to grow larger and deeper.

Lov,
Siv

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Cry |krī|

//Shed tears, esp. as an expression of distress or pain



That is a feeling that many people have written about. I never felt that I will write something about this feeling unless today.
Its not that I have never cried but it was that I had a different feeling today.

It had been a long day. I even finished a lagging melancholic novel. The day was so long that I went out hoping for a walk. Walk was towards the small restaurant from where I had been having food for past many days. The same road I pass by everyday seemed so detached to me today. I could hear other people talk, vehicles honk & Street men yell. I was not participating in anything. Even while having my food at the restaurant I felt detached to the surroundings. They waiters were slow as usual but today I didn’t feel angry today. I finished my food and stepped out at the street, started walking back home (room). The girls were far more beautiful today. It is tough to see a beautiful girl in this city. I did not feel anything when I looked at them or when I saw they looking at me. I saw a beggar begging out loud to a lady across the road to give some money. I just crossed through his front but he never stole a glance on me. Did I look so horrible now? Or the emotion, which was haunting me, was so visible on my face? I walked past the park. Did not feel like getting inside it today also.  I didn’t feel like talking to anyone even. Everything seemed to be like a zigzag in a carnival, running unevenly but in a sequence of course. I was the aimless bullet here. When I crossed a school a lady came to me and asked for an address. Suddenly I don’t know what went through me. I swallowed the feeling which was beneath my skin. I acted cool. I just gave her the direction.

Prologue

I feel that the feeling of crying can be just really felt when you can’t really cry.  I had this thing all through in my mind but not a drop of tear came to my eyes. Actually ‘cry’ is a ‘dry’ feeling.

Lov,
Siv